Sherriff Arrests and Charges Two for Vandalism, Resisting Arrest

Garland TX
This quiet suburb of Dallas has been plagued in the last few months by widespread vandalism with everything from neighborhood fences, mailboxes, local businesses and even a turtle in a local pond have fallen victim to the various gangs in the area attempting to claim their turf. After the turtle incident, local Sherriff Danny Thompson decided enough was enough.


"I was coming off a long shift, it was late, and the rain was coming down in sheets. I guess that's why they thought they could get away with such a blatant attempt. I saw these two at the scene, they were just standing there admiring their work when we pulled up. "


Assisted by his partner and after a brief struggle, Thompson and Sherriff Ed McTaggart were able to forcibly remove the alleged suspects from the location. "They actually fought us pretty hard" says Sheriff McTaggart. "But it was a kind of passive resistance, kinda like in that movie Ghandi. I liked that movie, and I don't think Ben Kingsley is behind any of this."

After a small scuffle and a brief chase, the officers were able to bring these two in.

You Never Saw This

(It was merely a fig newton of your imagination.)

Global Warming Responsible for Higher Temperature

Beaumont, TX

A recent study from Environmental Science Department at Lamar University in east Texas has reached an inescapable conclusion, the higher temperatures occurring across the planet, from Washington DC to Bangaldesh, Inda, are a direct result of Global Warming. This three year study was the brainchild of department head Dr. Chris Knauth, who has dedicated his research to solving this phenomenon.


"We found in our analysis of temperature readings across the globe, that temperatures tend to rise significantly from May to September, and then recede back to cooler temperatures from October through April", noted Dr. Knauth. "When this trend happened the first year, I assumed it was an anamoly; however, our research shows these same patterns occuring the next three years. This shows how the world's dependence on fossil fuels is drastically affecting our climate, and not just on a gradual scale. Temperatures in our part of Texas averaged 65 degrees in the months of October - April, but by May were already exceeding 90 degrees. At certain times during July and August, the average daily temperature was 98.7!"exclaimed an excited, twittery Knauth.


Dr. Knauth's team of research scientists have analyzed the temperatures for the last two decades and have determined that the three years of the study were just the tip of the iceberg. "Each year, since 1965, this trend has continued, and clearly there are forces on the environment we just don't fully comprehend. " Part of the confusion, he confesses is due the "reverse" effect for those areas below the equator.


"We think this has something to do with the atmospheric drift of environmental pollutions from the more developed, urban countries in the Northern Hemisphere. We currently have a team analyzing the patterns of El Nino, and assessing how this plays a part in the recurring shift in temperatures. I'm excited about confirming my theory, but a little worried for our future."

Ronnie Brown Credits Breakfast for Consistent Inconsistency

AP News: Miami, FL


“It is going down next week in the Toilet Bowl” says proud loser Ronnie Brown, running back for the Whompus Cats. “I have really focused this year on my inconsistency. It’s been really tough, but I think I’m about as consistently inconsistent as you could get from a high draft pick. What really helped was when I started checking the Whompus Cat lineup Sunday mornings to see if I was starting. If I had an active tab by my name, I was headed to Denny’s for a double “Moon Over Mi-hammy” breakfast sandwich with extra cheese and a side of biscuits and gravy.”

Ronnie says this double helping of eggs, cheese, and ham all packaged neatly into a sandwich helped keep him sluggish and ineffective against even the most porous defenses. “Man, I was close to puking every time we went back to the huddle. The offensive linemen wouldn’t get near me because they were afraid I’d blow chunks in their cleats. I’d tell them, ‘oh man, it’s just partially digested eggs, ham, cheese, biscuits and gravy, don’t be such a wuss.’ Linemen, who needs them? I’m glad threw up on them.”

Ronnie, noticing he has been benched in the Whompus Cat lineup, says he most likely will return to his previous pre-game meal of little chocolate donuts and cigarettes.

Fan Determines His Number 10 Jersey Is Reason for Vince Young’s Success

Houston TX - Jeff Shulse knows why former Longhorn quarterback Vince Young has been so successful over the last few years, and its more than just his freakish athletic talent. “After Vince’s first year at UT, I

decided to order an XL #10 Vince Young jersey, burnt orange of course, from the UT Online Store. The first time I put that on that jersey, Vince spotted Oklahoma State 30+ points before leading the Horns to a blowout. I instantly knew there was a connection.”

Vince Young and the Longhorns went on to win two consecutive Rose Bowls, the second earning them a National Championship trophy in a thrilling victory over USC, and Shulse #10 jersey was leading the way.

“I knew there were thousands of UT fans counting on me to wear that jersey around the streets of Houston and inspire the team to victory. I never missed a game, but it got close a couple times. I had to go out to a client one weekend, and wearing just the jersey was not really an option. I put that #10 on under my suit and tie, puffed out my chest, and headed off to work. I was worried it wouldn’t work, but the Horns won, and I knew I had not let the Longhorn faithful down. Houston Texas knew that the Horns were playing and I had their back.”

Vincent Brubaker, long time Houston resident doesn’t recall seeing Mike wearing his jersey every Saturday since 2005. “No freakin way. If he was really wearing that, I think I woulda seen him around here. There ain’t dat many folks around here’s. So yeah, I woulda seen him.”

Jeff is a little worried about what to do now that rival Mike Blalock has picked Vince up in fantasy football. “I’m pretty sure it was still working for Vince. I forgot about the NY game two weeks ago, and around 2:00 left my sisters wedding to run home and throw on ol’ #10, and look at the comeback the Titans made.” Jeff went on to say that he would most likely not wear it during any Titans game if he squared off against Blalock, but hoped Vince would understand. “It’s not just about Vince when this comes around. Hopefully he’ll pull that restraining order and we can be BFF again.”